Coercive & controlling behaviour
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It is Father’s Day on Sunday 15 June. A time to celebrate dads, whether it is your own
father, the father of your children or some other significant male role model who fills those
dad shoes.
What does it mean to be a father?
But what does being a father mean? And do we, as a society, truly understand the
significant role that fathers play in the life of their children? Regrettably, there are fathers
who are violent, controlling and pose a real safeguarding issue, from which children will need
protection, but the vast majority of fathers are loving and caring and want to have the
opportunity to be a pivotal part of their children’s lives.
Bringing a child into the world can be one of the most systemic changes a couple can make.
The majority of fathers (and the same principle applies to mothers) are loving and caring
dads who want to help to create the solid foundations children need to successfully navigate
their way into adulthood. And just as mothers do, fathers are similarly trying to navigate their
way through parenthood and figure out how to be the best parent they can be.
The journey into parenthood for fathers can be exciting, scary, overwhelming and possibly
undermining and exclusionary. Dads can get a rough deal from the start, and the fact that
they don’t have to do the physical hard work of pregnancy and childbirth can sometimes lead
to them being treated or feeling as if they are the lesser parent, or that they are less capable
of looking after their children.
There is plenty of evidence of fathers having sorry experiences during the pregnancy and
birth of their child. In a 2022 report published by the Fatherhood Institute entitled “Bringing
Baby Home” (1), “some fathers describe positive encounters” with individual health care
practitioners during the pregnancy and birth, “but most report feeling ignored, patronised, or
considered unimportant.” Statutory paternity leave is a dismal 2 weeks with low pay. (2)
Indeed, there is a planned Dad Strike on 11 June 2025, organised by The Dad Shift, in
protest against the lack of paternity leave. (3) Dads can also find themselves labelled as not
particularly good care givers for their children. Following parental separation, that view
seems to intensify and indeed, fathers can also find that they are perceived as a risk in terms
of looking after their children, rather than a necessary and nurturing source of care.
It is not a competition
Being a good parent should not be a competition, or a popularity test between mums and
dads. It is not about who can do the best job, but rather we must recognise that each
parent is as important as the other in the development of their children. Fathers engage with
their children in a different way to mothers and parents will have differing parenting styles
because they are different people, regardless of their gender. That does not make one
person right and the other wrong. You only need to look at the vast array of parenting books
on offer to know that there is not a ‘one size fits all’ answer to raising children. It is that
difference that needs to be accepted and understood and it is that difference in two people’s
parenting styles that creates a well-rounded child.
Being a good parent should always start with the question: what do the children need to
thrive? Simple. For children to thrive, and to thrive into adulthood, they need to have a
meaningful relationship with both parents. A meaningful relationship with both parents, does
not mean that the children need to live with both parents. A meaningful relationship means
quality of time, not an equal division of time. A meaningful relationship means love, care,
affection, attention, reliability and stability.
Why dads are important
Experts agree that when dads are positively involved in their children’s lives, it improves
children’s wellbeing and their future mental health. Regrettably, people don’t know how
important fathers are until they are no longer there and the children’s lives are impacted by
their absence.
Being an involved father will help to increase your children’s self-esteem, help your children
to develop better friendships, to be more empathetic, to have greater life satisfaction and will
even help to reduce the risk of criminality and substance abuse. In relation to your children’s
education “fathers’ childcare involvement has a unique and important effect on the
educational outcomes of children that is over and above the effect of the mothers’
involvement.” (4) What is not to love about those outcomes for children?
Specifically looking at education, the Paternal Involvement and its Effects on Children’s
Education (PIECE) report (5) has shown that “greater father involvement in structured,
educational activities (like reading and playing) provides an educational advantage to
children in the first year of primary school.” The earlier that a father establishes parental
involvement with their child’s education, the greater chance “it sets up a pattern of involved
caregiving that is likely to continue as the child gets older – which has benefits for a child’s
educational progression.” In addition, the report goes on to highlight that “Fathers’
involvement operates differently from mothers’ involvement because it helps to increase
children’s educational attainment, whereas mothers’ involvement enhances children’s
cognitive behaviour.”
Fathers are just as vital in the life of their children as mothers are. Yet mums and dads do
not always understand the importance and significance of the father’s role within the lives of
their children. Indeed, fathers can feel undermined by the perceptions of others that they
cannot cope looking after their children. It is important that dads, particularly those who
have separated from their child’s mother, are aware of the positive impact they have upon
their children and that they are supported in that role.
How can we support dads?
The message is clear. There needs to be a real understanding and acceptance that dads
are integral to their children’s wellbeing, and that their role is unique and different from that
which a mother provides. We need to support fathers, which will in turn help children
develop into well-rounded individuals who feel loved, secure and fulfil their potential later in
life.
So here is a thought: rather than demonising a father, pointing out everything that he is
perceived to have done wrong, can the conversation switch to one of support? For example,
if dad is seeing the children for the first time in a while, perhaps having a conversation about
the children’s activities, what they prefer to eat and their favourite TV show would help that
contact along. Perhaps giving a gentle reminder about something (PE kit or a party
invitation), rather than shouting that something has been forgotten, would help the co-
parenting relationship. Looking at overnight stays, rather than saying dad will not be able to
cope with overnights, perhaps dad should be given the benefit of doubt and be allowed just
to get on with it. Perhaps parents could begin to accept that each will have a different way of
parenting, not the wrong way, and as such, not pick holes in how the other looks after the
children.
To any mothers reading this: please do not unnecessarily hinder the relationship your
children have with their father. It is vital for your children’s development and future sense of
self that they have a positive relationship with their father, so please help to support that.
And to any fathers reading this: you are vital to the development of your children, from their
infancy, into education, all the way through into their adulthood and beyond. Understand
your role and the importance of your involvement, embrace it and strive to be the best,
reliable dad your children deserve.
The responsibility that you have to your children lasts for their lifetime, not for the duration of
your relationship with the other parent. Co-parenting effectively needs to be a two-way
street, where mum and dad support each other, even if it is just in an administrative way.
This will help to share the mental load of raising children and reduce conflict, which can only
be beneficial for the children.
If you require any further information regarding children matters, please contact us
(1) Adrienne Burgess & Rebecca Goldman (June 2022) Bringing baby home for the Fatherhood Institute
– June 2022
(2) A weekly rate of £187.18, or 90% of your average weekly earnings (whichever is lower) – Paternity
pay and leave: Pay – GOV.UK
(3) Join the DadStrike for better paternity leave
(4) Norman, H. and Davies, J. (2023) What a difference a dad makes: paternal involvement and it’s
effects on children’s education (PIECE) study’ UoL PIECE Report A4 Jun 23 AW – ACCESSIBLE
(5) Ibid
