Contact Arrangements at Christmas Time

As I walk through the supermarket, I can see Christmas chocolate and sweet treats jostling for position on the shelves.  Is it that time already?  Haven’t the children just gone back to school after a long summer holiday?  But there it all is, a reminder that the festive season will soon be upon us.  

Christmas is that time of year when family and friends come together, whether or not you are celebrating the religious festival or using the time to spend with family and friends. 

But for many families, festivities and celebrations can bring their own unique difficulties, with tensions rising and old arguments resurfacing, as plans for the children have yet to be made.  

So, what can you practically do to help alleviate those strains and ensure that the children are not caught up in the tension between the adults caring for them?

Pattern of arrangements already agreed?

For some parents, there may already be a timetable or pattern that was drawn up as a result of separation as to when the children would see both parents.  Using Christmas as an example, the children may spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with one parent, and then go to the other parent for lunch on Christmas Day and stay there for Boxing Day, which would alternate each year.  Other families may prefer for the children to stay with one parent for the Christmas period, and then to stay with the other parent over New Year.  Others still may make different plans each year.  

There is no right answer to making arrangements for the children; just whatever works best for your family, taking into account the wishes and feelings of the children.  But bear in mind that as children get older, their voices (opinions) get ever louder.  If you have been in a routine of how the children will spend Christmas with their parents, be aware that what worked say 5 years ago, may not work now.  Will that pattern suit a teenager who may want to spend time with their friends?  Compromise and flexibility may have to come into play for parents and teenagers to reach an agreement that suits everyone. 

What if there are no arrangements in place or they need to be changed?

But for those families who are recently separated or where there is no pattern in place, then arrangements will need to be made.  The starting point is to communicate clearly with each other about potential plans.  It sounds quite simple, but we know that it can be anything but simple.  The aim, however, is to ensure that, as parents who have a responsibility to raise their children together until adulthood, disagreement and conflict are reduced to a minimum.   

When you start to think about plans for Christmas, it is so important that the children are at the heart of the discussions between the grown-ups.  Indeed, in some families, the children should be included in those discussions, to ensure that they feel part of the arrangements being made. You will need to be mindful of how the children will be feeling and what they would like to do, rather than just imposing your will upon them and so the discussions will need to be framed in a child-centric way to suit your children.

There are two questions you could ask yourself to see if what you are arranging is reasonable: 

1. Would the child within you want to do what you are asking of your own children?
2. Would you be happy to have the arrangements you are trying to agree with the other parent, to be imposed upon you?     

When arrangements are made, it is really important that you to stick to them, unless there are exceptional circumstances that arise, which require a change to the plan. If changes do need to be made, then update your children and help them to understand that sometimes there are situations that cannot be controlled, and so changes are sometimes inevitable. 

What if you cannot agree?

Unfortunately, there are times when parents are unable or unwilling to reach agreement.  If that is the case, then you should take legal advice about the matter and aim for an agreement to be reached as amicably and swiftly as possible.  To help you reach agreement, you may need to attend mediation.  A specially trained mediator will be able to help you communicate effectively with one another and assist you to make decisions together, whether it is in relation to short term arrangements or extending the conversation to longer term plans and solutions. 

Making arrangements can take time, so discussions about the proposed plan for the children at Christmas ought to start early.   

If you require any legal advice, mediation or other help in reaching agreement about arrangements for your children, then please contact us.